Why are we in line for this ride?

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Crazy Weather

Here on the East Coast we have experienced ice and snow this past Monday then turned around and had 65 degrees Tuesday and Wednesday (today). I believe it is going to drop again as the week goes on. Crazy, right?

I love snow, I do. I love to ski, snowball fights, the quietness that it brings when you step outside. But I also love spring. This change in weather makes me feel as if I can't figure out what to wear, what to wish for, should it stay cold or stay warm?

As with everything on this fertility ride, I try to find comparisons and meaning in everything lately. Take the weather for example, it can't seem to make up its mind. Very much like me at the moment.

I was all prepared to move forward with the laproscopic surgery until I decided I needed one more HSG dye test before to make sure my tube was indeed blocked. However, I go through our military healthcare system and they do it only on Wednesdays. And seeing that you can only do it CD 5-12, that only gives me one day a month that it would work. In January I was traveling and in February, if all goes as planned, I am running a conference on that one day I could do it. This will now be pushed out to March.

At the same time my husband had another SA to see if our numbers changed from the summer. They did increase but we are not sure if they increased enough to bring IUI back on the table. IUI is much cheaper than IVF and seeing that IVF failed twice, if IUI is an option, we will be trying that out for a bit. I seriously think it is only about $200. A whole years worth of it would not even equal what we have spent for IVF.

So here I sit, mulling over my options once again, as time ticks by. It really shouldn't be this difficult. But when multiple doctors can't agree on what to do, it puts you in a place that you need to be your own doctor. I want that magic answer and to see the future to know that it all works out.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Taking a break from...

The baby-focused websites. They have been great over the past year, educating me on things I never would have known. However, with no success, no IVF starting anytime soon, I believe I just need to cut the noise out.

I love hearing other people getting their BFP's and watching what others are going through, but for now, I need a break.

I can't get my HSG done until February due to traveling over the one day this month I could go. We aren't going to do IVF in March, so the next time we could do it through our clinic would be June, so why not take a break. My body is like clockwork, I know when I ovulate, so why not just chill out, enjoy the winter and look forward to June.

Another reason is because I am starting to feel down about not being pregnant. I am hoping by removing the constant, daily reminder (thanks to the daily digest I receive) that I am not pregnant, that I will be able to gain some sanity and perspective on the whole thing.

Don't get me wrong, we will still be trying and hoping for a little peanut to stick, but it is time to take a deep breath and see what life has in store for us.

Monday, January 14, 2013

HSG here I come...AGAIN

That is right, the worst procedure I have had in a long time, I am voluntarily doing it again. Why you may ask? Well, laparoscopic surgery doesn't seem scary, just seems unnecessary right now. Why you may ask again?

It was found in my first HSG that I had a blocked left tube and my follow up saline sonogram showed hydrosalpinx in that tube. However, in my first IVF cycle, not once did a physician see this again and during retrieval, they said it spontaneously drained. I went for a second opinion and same thing, could not find it.

I don't fit any of the hydro criteria for why I would have it, so could it have been a misdiagnosis? Sure! So before jumping on the table to have them search through my reproductive system with a scalpel and possibly mess something up for good, I am choosing to repeat the HSG.

Let me tell you about my first HSG experience. The day started off great, blue sky, I got there early to get my name first on the list (military healthcare at its best, first come, first serve) and sat back waiting for the easy test, assuming I would be walking out with one thing scratched of my list on why it can’t be me who has a problem. I was one of the few without my husband there, which funny as it may seem now, made me feel stronger to do it on my own, but also at the same time lonely that what if I needed someone to drive me home.

My name was called and off I go to an x-ray room that they turned the traditional cold, flat metal exam table to a GYN table, except they forgot the comfort factor. I can’t even remember if there were any stirrups on the bed.

They prep me and here comes the worst part, they prep me all the way, that is right, all the way to opening my cervix. One problem, the attending physician was nowhere to be found in the room.  When the other fellow went to get her, she was busy doing paperwork. HELLO!! My cervix is open, can we hurry this up. Of course I did not scream that since I am polite but talk about cramping, my leg muscles wavering due to the weird table I was on (just remembered there were no stirrups, so I was flexing my muscles to keep my legs in position on the edge of the table, lovely).

After at least 10 minutes (no joke) the physician walks in without even a “I am so sorry” statement and got to work. And the pain started. I expected a little bit of cramping but man, I was like a woman in the peak of labor (definitely not my finest moment). And of course, this doctor wanted me to twist and turn on the table in hopes that my left tube would open up. Really? Twist while in pain!

As soon as the catheter was removed, I was back to my cheery, friendly self. Definitely a Jekyll and Hyde moment for me.

You still ask, why am I doing this again? Answer is, before I go ahead to have surgery for something I just am not 100% is there, I want to confirm my left tube is actually blocked. After the first HSG, I was told that many times your uterus can contract, causing the tube opening to close. Well, that is my hope since I was in so much pain before it even began, I am hopeful that this time I will not have to wait as long and my uterus won’t have time to react.

Next step is to wait for AF to arrive before I schedule it (and fingers crossed there are openings).

Friday, January 11, 2013

A little thing I call the flu

We have all heard the news reports, the flu is causing havoc on us all, especially us TTC! If you read one of my previous posts about all of the "signs" we mistake for being pregnant, I would like to add the flu to this list.

Seriously, who would think feeling tired, slightly foggy and maybe a litte warm would be anything but the flu. But when you are a crazed TTC lady like I am, I swear it must be a baby being created. Why wouldn't it be. I was healthy just a few days ago, I have not been around too many sick people and by golly, it's my turn for it to be a baby.

Maybe someone should invent a quick test that would tell me yes it is the early sign of the flu and stop thinking you are pregnant. My husband currently is this test for me. =)

Don't get me wrong, he would be over the moon if it was the opposite but after over 12 months of me saying I think this is it, I am truly the girl who cried wolf, over and over again.

The solution? Go home, put on comfy jammies, curl up to watch a movie and use it as an excuse to sleep in tomorrow!

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Short but sweet

Well, we are still in line for this ride. Last month was a bust and we are back to the prime time this month. I had planned to do the laparoscopic surgery in March but now I am reconsidering that thought. So many things can go wrong if they end up removing my tubes that I fear that if it does, I will have no options then to be pregnant. Ahhh, who would have thought these would be decisions we would be faced with just a few years ago. Not me! Next up, resolutions I hope I can keep.