Since I last wrote, we have started and completed our second fresh IVF cycle (third total including our FET). The stimulation period was normal, nothing really exciting. I didn't overstimulate despite being on double the dosage from day one from last time. I even was a slow responder but as we were taught as kids, slow and steady wins the race. Well folks, I am still waiting to win that race.
I did everything that people suggested. I stayed on "couch rest" for 48 hours, didn't lift anything (just ask my husband) and prayed harder than I ever have prayed before (and I am not a religious person). And guess what, it worked, I started to see positive on the HPT at 4dp5dt and each day it got darker, really dark. This was the week of Thanksgiving and we thought we would share the news with our parents since they have been through the last two years with us. It was so much fun, being pregnant for the week. Dreaming of our future, what our children would look like, what they would be interested in, who they would grow up to become.
Then came the beta tests.
Beta #1 was average, 98. Not bad for 9dp5dt. Then came the second one, 92. WHAT?!?! It went backwards, but by only 6? As soon as I received that call I knew it was over. My body told me so. The muscle aches, sore chest and back. All signs my body was going through a drop in hormones similar to right before AF. Beta #3, 45. Confirmed, miscarriage, chemical, whatever you want to call it. I had two fabulous, amazing expanding blasts transferred, one or both snuggled in for the long run then died. Why? I have no idea. No one seems to really know. Googling says it's a genetic issue. How can I fix that, I can't. There is testing but that is not guaranteed, it costs more money and can potentially reduce the likelihood the embryo will survive the testing.
Even worse, we pay out of pocket every dime. We live in a state that has a state mandate for IVF yet our employers don't participate in it. So why is it called a state mandate!?!? So every penny spent is ours and it surely doesn't grow on trees.
Time will heal our hurt and hopefully put faith back into my heart. My husband doesn't seem to get as shaken as I do but man, let me tell you. I actually said the words that God was useless, that prayers are useless. I don't believe that but I am in state of pain, confusing and disbelief. I am getting angry again and needing someone to blame. I am getting angry at those women who have abortions. At those who don't and mistreat the children they do have. At those who give up their child for adoption but require an open adoption. At those adults who convince their teenage daughter to keep her child instead of blessing a couple like us. At those countries who won't let you adopt a newborn and make you wait 2 years and spend so much money. I am angry. This too shall pass and I will soften up again but I just don't know how much more we can take.
