So here we are...

Almost a year after we lost our first pregnancy, we are now 20 weeks! There are days I wonder how we even got to this point. Will it be taken away before I get to meet this little girl or boy? But, we are blessed.



We went through something I don't wish on anyone, a miscarriage. And not just a miscarriage, one that was after trying through IVF for two years. One that was not "supposed" to happen. One that has caused such doubt in me during this pregnancy. One that showed me how to live in the moment and really be grateful for what I have.



So here I sit, pregnant with one healthy, NORMAL, baby. I am starting to feel the little one move but not all the time. We just had our 20 week scan and it is as if I am watching a movie. I see the little one (nub as we call him/her), on the screen move, flip, wave, but I feel nothing at those exact times in my stomach. But man, does my heart feel it. I am put in a place between reality and fiction. I see my stomach growing, I hear the heartbeat when I head to the doctors, but I don't feel the movements when I see them. But that is ok, Nub is growing by leaps and bounds every day.



So how did we get here? Let's start where I left off.



Winter 2013, what a terrible time. Work was good, my marriage was good, family was good, but the ache of the loss and the unknown of our future, that was not good. I hid it from the outside, but not from my husband, my solid rock who has been amazing. We did the research on adoption, and it just wasn't for us at this time. I still poked around on the baby boards, read about Chinese medicine that may help me get pregnant, held my head up high when I heard about two close friends who were pregnant, due at the same time I was going to be due and was humbled by a friend who was also due when I was going to be due and miscarried at 12 weeks. I was moving on, I was focusing on the positives then I read : Thrive IVF Study.



Study? Hmmm, what is that all about? I read a brief post on BabyCenter and proceeded to Google it. First finding a center midwest and thought, I could fly somewhere for free IVF. Then, I saw it. Two centers in Maryland/DC were also part of the study. I read the requirements. I couldn't believe it, did I qualify for it? I made the phone call. I tested the coordinator's will as I questioned everything. Waiting to be denied yet another chance at becoming a mom. But it didn't happen. I qualified. With no "buts".



Really? Could I do this again? Could I put my husband through the hopes of a new addition just to be crushed again and having to take care of his depressed wife, AGAIN? I just didn't know if he would be on board. It was free, so if anything, at least the financial burden would be removed.



Fast forward, he agreed, we went through hoops, tests, etc to get the process started. It was at a new center for us, new doctors, new protocol. On top of that, there was this drug. A drug that you administer after transfer to help with implantation. A drug that had already been shown to improve your odds since we are part of the round 2 of the study. After the TWW, we heard, positive Beta. And not just a 98 like last time, over 300! And it kept growing and here we are now. With one beautiful Nub growing. We thought maybe there would be more but this one must just be a strong willed baby and overachiever, implanting early to get such high betas.



We have had a pretty uneventful pregnancy so far. One small scare back at 12 weeks but that ended up being just a SCH which is now gone.



At the 20 week visit, everything looked great. I was told that was it, I wouldn't be seeing Nub until he/she made their debut. What a long 20 weeks ahead of us, but I do get to hear the heartbeat along the way. I get to feel him/her, see my stomach grow and get punched, kicked and everything in between. I welcome it. I want it. I won't complain, this is what we have waited for. Each punch and kick is a sign of life. Life that we have fought so hard to bring into this world and nothing, and I mean nothing, will cause me to complain.



So our story continues, as many others do as well. It wasn't an easy road but one filled with laughter, tears, anger and in many ways, contentment. We discovered sides of us that we never knew. We grew stronger as a family and as individuals. We are ready for this new adventure.

 

As quick as it starts, it ends.

Since I last wrote, we have started and completed our second fresh IVF cycle (third total including our FET). The stimulation period was normal, nothing really exciting. I didn't overstimulate despite being on double the dosage from day one from last time. I even was a slow responder but as we were taught as kids, slow and steady wins the race. Well folks, I am still waiting to win that race.

I did everything that people suggested. I stayed on "couch rest" for 48 hours, didn't lift anything (just ask my husband) and prayed harder than I ever have prayed before (and I am not a religious person). And guess what, it worked, I started to see positive on the HPT at 4dp5dt and each day it got darker, really dark. This was the week of Thanksgiving and we thought we would share the news with our parents since they have been through the last two years with us. It was so much fun, being pregnant for the week. Dreaming of our future, what our children would look like, what they would be interested in, who they would grow up to become.

Then came the beta tests.

Beta #1 was average, 98. Not bad for 9dp5dt. Then came the second one, 92. WHAT?!?! It went backwards, but by only 6? As soon as I received that call I knew it was over. My body told me so. The muscle aches, sore chest and back. All signs my body was going through a drop in hormones similar to right before AF. Beta #3, 45. Confirmed, miscarriage, chemical, whatever you want to call it. I had two fabulous, amazing expanding blasts transferred, one or both snuggled in for the long run then died. Why? I have no idea. No one seems to really know. Googling says it's a genetic issue. How can I fix that, I can't. There is testing but that is not guaranteed, it costs more money and can potentially reduce the likelihood the embryo will survive the testing.

Even worse, we pay out of pocket every dime. We live in a state that has a state mandate for IVF yet our employers don't participate in it. So why is it called a state mandate!?!? So every penny spent is ours and it surely doesn't grow on trees.

Time will heal our hurt and hopefully put faith back into my heart. My husband doesn't seem to get as shaken as I do but man, let me tell you. I actually said the words that God was useless, that prayers are useless. I don't believe that but I am in state of pain, confusing and disbelief. I am getting angry again and needing someone to blame. I am getting angry at those women who have abortions. At those who don't and mistreat the children they do have. At those who give up their child for adoption but require an open adoption. At those adults who convince their teenage daughter to keep her child instead of blessing a couple like us. At those countries who won't let you adopt a newborn and make you wait 2 years and spend so much money. I am angry. This too shall pass and I will soften up again but I just don't know how much more we can take.

The time is now!

The summer flew by and here we are, almost to the start of my next IVF cycle. We originally wanted to try in the summer but based on the clinic's schedule and mine, there was never a two week period in which we were home. So the fall it is. Of course, it is never a good time it seems with money, stress and time. But, we are pushing through and going to give it the old college try again.

We do have renewed hope as we went through a hysteroscopy to make sure everything is in working order as well as create a fresh bed of cells for the embryos to implant. Fingers crossed it worked this time.

Only a few more weeks to go until we get this party started. Let's hope the Government is back to work and my ovaries can start working overtime!

If only they knew...

I feel this way a lot while going through this IVF journey. Sure, I have told many people that we have tried IVF and plan to try again. I don't hide it if friends or family ask questions. I don't tell people at work or the average joe on the street. Even with telling a few people, since they haven't gone through this journey, they just don't know what to say. And how do I teach them what I really want to hear if I don't even know what would comfort me when I am feeling down. Most the time I feel as though I am assuring them that I am fine or that they shouldn't feel weird asking me questions about it.

But then I read this blog post.

This is perfect. She addresses all of the cliche statements my people in my circle have said and provided a new way they could have said it.

Problem is, how do I share this with them without offending them? Answer is, I just don't. I would love to share it on Facebook, but then I would just "out" myself of having fertility issues which I don't want to the world to know. (sidenote: I am sure many have their assumptions since we have been married for over 2 years, in our 30's and no kids yet).

Take a read of the blog post above, it really is a great read!

Drunken Cheerleader Book Review

I just realized I never shared what I thought of "Every Drunken Cheerleader... Why Not Me?"

Fist, the title, rocks! It is something I have said over the years, minus the cheerleader part, to friends who were trying to get pregnant "just get drunk and screw like a teenager, works for them!". But, when it came my time, that advice doesn't really help, at all.

Back to the book...

This book is straight from the heart, reads as if I wrote it myself. If you are just starting out on your journey of being infertile, get this book. If you are knee-deep into it, the book will remind you of where you came from but may not provide much help for the future.

The book provides a chance to realize you are not alone and in the end, some hope. It was a quick read and a great book to share with your spouse as well.

There you go, I recommend you buy it, read it, share it and tell your friends about it. You never know if one of them is going through infertility and could use a resource that won't tell them to "just relax" each month.

Enjoying a break

As Spring approaches and soon summer, I can't help but be happy that finally we will be able to open our windows and enjoy everything that comes with the seasons. Our next IVF will be in the Fall. Having this timeline adds a sense of relaxation to the whole baby making craziness. How so? For starters I am not looking on the baby boards as often, I have decided to stop using OPK's and enjoy a bottle of wine or two along the way. If we get pregnant naturally then that will be an added surprise but since it hasn't happened yet for us, I doubt it will. So why stress?!

Our plan the next few months? Try our best to get in the best shape we can. IVF takes a toll on your body along with the stress. And if we are so blessed to become pregnant in the Fall, who wants to be out of shape when that happens. So, 5 months of focusing on our health should help keep baby off the brain!

Type A and Infertile

Being Type A has its perks:

• You get to places on time
• Always have a plan in place for work and personal events, making it easier to plan some more!
• House is clean most of the time
• Work hard, play hard motto is true

But take being Type A and being infertile, those two don't always mix. Sure, going through IVF, it was great. I planned my shots, never missed it by more than 10 min and was able to emotionally detach during the process until the very end. I was given a task and I completed the task. I was in control the whole time. Until...my body took over the control and it failed me and my husband.

Failing is never pleasant but even more so when it costs $11k!

Fast forward to today, where money has run out, schedules are too busy so IVF is delayed again, all we have is trying naturally. Which when your husband has 1/20th of the sperm count of an average man, and an average couple takes 12 months to conceive, we are looking at 20 years until "natural" works for us. 20 years!!!

I decided to really commit to TTC for these months, tracking with an OPK (can't do temperature because my thermometer beeps and at 5 am, my husband has no desire to hear it) and ready to jump my husband during those few key days. However, even after noting it on the calendar, reminding him each month, I am always let down.

Last month I got sick during the week, this month he just isn't into it. I am sure my announcing of needing to have sex in the same manner I would say "can you pick up milk on the way home" is not helping him get "in the mood" but this is where my Type A has taken over. I have a goal and need to complete a task to reach it. I have tried to be relaxed, just let it happen route and 15 months and $11k later, I am through with that way.

I figured we would be doing IVF in the summer but since they only do it 4x year, I am controlled by their schedule and unfortunately their schedule doesn't match mine. They start at the end of June and schedule people through July. I have a work trip early July and early August and in between my stepdaughter will be in town and we hope to do some college tours. So boom, I don't even have 2 weeks of uninterrupted time at home to get this done, one of the most important things I want and I can't find time to do it. So, this moves us to October! OCTOBER!!!

So what does a Type A person like myself do in this instance? I blocked off the months September, October and November so we don't plan any trips and travel so we can have a chance again at having a child.

At least I have a plan!