Almost a year after we lost our first pregnancy, we are now 20 weeks! There are days I wonder how we even got to this point. Will it be taken away before I get to meet this little girl or boy? But, we are blessed.
We went through something I don't wish on anyone, a miscarriage. And not just a miscarriage, one that was after trying through IVF for two years. One that was not "supposed" to happen. One that has caused such doubt in me during this pregnancy. One that showed me how to live in the moment and really be grateful for what I have.
So here I sit, pregnant with one healthy, NORMAL, baby. I am starting to feel the little one move but not all the time. We just had our 20 week scan and it is as if I am watching a movie. I see the little one (nub as we call him/her), on the screen move, flip, wave, but I feel nothing at those exact times in my stomach. But man, does my heart feel it. I am put in a place between reality and fiction. I see my stomach growing, I hear the heartbeat when I head to the doctors, but I don't feel the movements when I see them. But that is ok, Nub is growing by leaps and bounds every day.
So how did we get here? Let's start where I left off.
Winter 2013, what a terrible time. Work was good, my marriage was good, family was good, but the ache of the loss and the unknown of our future, that was not good. I hid it from the outside, but not from my husband, my solid rock who has been amazing. We did the research on adoption, and it just wasn't for us at this time. I still poked around on the baby boards, read about Chinese medicine that may help me get pregnant, held my head up high when I heard about two close friends who were pregnant, due at the same time I was going to be due and was humbled by a friend who was also due when I was going to be due and miscarried at 12 weeks. I was moving on, I was focusing on the positives then I read : Thrive IVF Study.
Study? Hmmm, what is that all about? I read a brief post on BabyCenter and proceeded to Google it. First finding a center midwest and thought, I could fly somewhere for free IVF. Then, I saw it. Two centers in Maryland/DC were also part of the study. I read the requirements. I couldn't believe it, did I qualify for it? I made the phone call. I tested the coordinator's will as I questioned everything. Waiting to be denied yet another chance at becoming a mom. But it didn't happen. I qualified. With no "buts".
Really? Could I do this again? Could I put my husband through the hopes of a new addition just to be crushed again and having to take care of his depressed wife, AGAIN? I just didn't know if he would be on board. It was free, so if anything, at least the financial burden would be removed.
Fast forward, he agreed, we went through hoops, tests, etc to get the process started. It was at a new center for us, new doctors, new protocol. On top of that, there was this drug. A drug that you administer after transfer to help with implantation. A drug that had already been shown to improve your odds since we are part of the round 2 of the study. After the TWW, we heard, positive Beta. And not just a 98 like last time, over 300! And it kept growing and here we are now. With one beautiful Nub growing. We thought maybe there would be more but this one must just be a strong willed baby and overachiever, implanting early to get such high betas.
We have had a pretty uneventful pregnancy so far. One small scare back at 12 weeks but that ended up being just a SCH which is now gone.
At the 20 week visit, everything looked great. I was told that was it, I wouldn't be seeing Nub until he/she made their debut. What a long 20 weeks ahead of us, but I do get to hear the heartbeat along the way. I get to feel him/her, see my stomach grow and get punched, kicked and everything in between. I welcome it. I want it. I won't complain, this is what we have waited for. Each punch and kick is a sign of life. Life that we have fought so hard to bring into this world and nothing, and I mean nothing, will cause me to complain.
So our story continues, as many others do as well. It wasn't an easy road but one filled with laughter, tears, anger and in many ways, contentment. We discovered sides of us that we never knew. We grew stronger as a family and as individuals. We are ready for this new adventure.