As quick as it starts, it ends.

Since I last wrote, we have started and completed our second fresh IVF cycle (third total including our FET). The stimulation period was normal, nothing really exciting. I didn't overstimulate despite being on double the dosage from day one from last time. I even was a slow responder but as we were taught as kids, slow and steady wins the race. Well folks, I am still waiting to win that race.

I did everything that people suggested. I stayed on "couch rest" for 48 hours, didn't lift anything (just ask my husband) and prayed harder than I ever have prayed before (and I am not a religious person). And guess what, it worked, I started to see positive on the HPT at 4dp5dt and each day it got darker, really dark. This was the week of Thanksgiving and we thought we would share the news with our parents since they have been through the last two years with us. It was so much fun, being pregnant for the week. Dreaming of our future, what our children would look like, what they would be interested in, who they would grow up to become.

Then came the beta tests.

Beta #1 was average, 98. Not bad for 9dp5dt. Then came the second one, 92. WHAT?!?! It went backwards, but by only 6? As soon as I received that call I knew it was over. My body told me so. The muscle aches, sore chest and back. All signs my body was going through a drop in hormones similar to right before AF. Beta #3, 45. Confirmed, miscarriage, chemical, whatever you want to call it. I had two fabulous, amazing expanding blasts transferred, one or both snuggled in for the long run then died. Why? I have no idea. No one seems to really know. Googling says it's a genetic issue. How can I fix that, I can't. There is testing but that is not guaranteed, it costs more money and can potentially reduce the likelihood the embryo will survive the testing.

Even worse, we pay out of pocket every dime. We live in a state that has a state mandate for IVF yet our employers don't participate in it. So why is it called a state mandate!?!? So every penny spent is ours and it surely doesn't grow on trees.

Time will heal our hurt and hopefully put faith back into my heart. My husband doesn't seem to get as shaken as I do but man, let me tell you. I actually said the words that God was useless, that prayers are useless. I don't believe that but I am in state of pain, confusing and disbelief. I am getting angry again and needing someone to blame. I am getting angry at those women who have abortions. At those who don't and mistreat the children they do have. At those who give up their child for adoption but require an open adoption. At those adults who convince their teenage daughter to keep her child instead of blessing a couple like us. At those countries who won't let you adopt a newborn and make you wait 2 years and spend so much money. I am angry. This too shall pass and I will soften up again but I just don't know how much more we can take.

The time is now!

The summer flew by and here we are, almost to the start of my next IVF cycle. We originally wanted to try in the summer but based on the clinic's schedule and mine, there was never a two week period in which we were home. So the fall it is. Of course, it is never a good time it seems with money, stress and time. But, we are pushing through and going to give it the old college try again.

We do have renewed hope as we went through a hysteroscopy to make sure everything is in working order as well as create a fresh bed of cells for the embryos to implant. Fingers crossed it worked this time.

Only a few more weeks to go until we get this party started. Let's hope the Government is back to work and my ovaries can start working overtime!

If only they knew...

I feel this way a lot while going through this IVF journey. Sure, I have told many people that we have tried IVF and plan to try again. I don't hide it if friends or family ask questions. I don't tell people at work or the average joe on the street. Even with telling a few people, since they haven't gone through this journey, they just don't know what to say. And how do I teach them what I really want to hear if I don't even know what would comfort me when I am feeling down. Most the time I feel as though I am assuring them that I am fine or that they shouldn't feel weird asking me questions about it.

But then I read this blog post.

This is perfect. She addresses all of the cliche statements my people in my circle have said and provided a new way they could have said it.

Problem is, how do I share this with them without offending them? Answer is, I just don't. I would love to share it on Facebook, but then I would just "out" myself of having fertility issues which I don't want to the world to know. (sidenote: I am sure many have their assumptions since we have been married for over 2 years, in our 30's and no kids yet).

Take a read of the blog post above, it really is a great read!

Drunken Cheerleader Book Review

I just realized I never shared what I thought of "Every Drunken Cheerleader... Why Not Me?"

Fist, the title, rocks! It is something I have said over the years, minus the cheerleader part, to friends who were trying to get pregnant "just get drunk and screw like a teenager, works for them!". But, when it came my time, that advice doesn't really help, at all.

Back to the book...

This book is straight from the heart, reads as if I wrote it myself. If you are just starting out on your journey of being infertile, get this book. If you are knee-deep into it, the book will remind you of where you came from but may not provide much help for the future.

The book provides a chance to realize you are not alone and in the end, some hope. It was a quick read and a great book to share with your spouse as well.

There you go, I recommend you buy it, read it, share it and tell your friends about it. You never know if one of them is going through infertility and could use a resource that won't tell them to "just relax" each month.

Enjoying a break

As Spring approaches and soon summer, I can't help but be happy that finally we will be able to open our windows and enjoy everything that comes with the seasons. Our next IVF will be in the Fall. Having this timeline adds a sense of relaxation to the whole baby making craziness. How so? For starters I am not looking on the baby boards as often, I have decided to stop using OPK's and enjoy a bottle of wine or two along the way. If we get pregnant naturally then that will be an added surprise but since it hasn't happened yet for us, I doubt it will. So why stress?!

Our plan the next few months? Try our best to get in the best shape we can. IVF takes a toll on your body along with the stress. And if we are so blessed to become pregnant in the Fall, who wants to be out of shape when that happens. So, 5 months of focusing on our health should help keep baby off the brain!

Type A and Infertile

Being Type A has its perks:

• You get to places on time
• Always have a plan in place for work and personal events, making it easier to plan some more!
• House is clean most of the time
• Work hard, play hard motto is true

But take being Type A and being infertile, those two don't always mix. Sure, going through IVF, it was great. I planned my shots, never missed it by more than 10 min and was able to emotionally detach during the process until the very end. I was given a task and I completed the task. I was in control the whole time. Until...my body took over the control and it failed me and my husband.

Failing is never pleasant but even more so when it costs $11k!

Fast forward to today, where money has run out, schedules are too busy so IVF is delayed again, all we have is trying naturally. Which when your husband has 1/20th of the sperm count of an average man, and an average couple takes 12 months to conceive, we are looking at 20 years until "natural" works for us. 20 years!!!

I decided to really commit to TTC for these months, tracking with an OPK (can't do temperature because my thermometer beeps and at 5 am, my husband has no desire to hear it) and ready to jump my husband during those few key days. However, even after noting it on the calendar, reminding him each month, I am always let down.

Last month I got sick during the week, this month he just isn't into it. I am sure my announcing of needing to have sex in the same manner I would say "can you pick up milk on the way home" is not helping him get "in the mood" but this is where my Type A has taken over. I have a goal and need to complete a task to reach it. I have tried to be relaxed, just let it happen route and 15 months and $11k later, I am through with that way.

I figured we would be doing IVF in the summer but since they only do it 4x year, I am controlled by their schedule and unfortunately their schedule doesn't match mine. They start at the end of June and schedule people through July. I have a work trip early July and early August and in between my stepdaughter will be in town and we hope to do some college tours. So boom, I don't even have 2 weeks of uninterrupted time at home to get this done, one of the most important things I want and I can't find time to do it. So, this moves us to October! OCTOBER!!!

So what does a Type A person like myself do in this instance? I blocked off the months September, October and November so we don't plan any trips and travel so we can have a chance again at having a child.

At least I have a plan!

Guilty Pregnant Friend

We all have close friends and family that have become pregnant during our TTC journey. And we hear a lot on how those who are struggling to conceive have a hard time sharing their joy or even going to baby showers. I completely understand but I don't read much about the pregnant friends pulling away due to guilt.

About a month ago I found out two friends were pregnant. One of these two friends is a pretty close friend even if we don't see eachother every day. The day she told me she was about 9 weeks along and we hung out all day. Since then, I haven't seen her. We have exchanged a few texts but that is about it. I wonder if she is feeling guilty about being pregnant and afraid to see me.

I know, it is not always about me but I just wonder if those who have not gone through infertility are afraid to confront it. We are all there to help our girlfriends through breakups, bad news from work or family but infertility, seems to be a hush hush topic. I find when I come upon someone who has gone through it or is going through it I feel instantly connected to them, wanting to talk about it and even joke about it. It feels so good to get it out in the open to someone else instead of my husband. My husband is great, he grounds me during this time, but I don't always want to constantly dwell on this stage of our TTC journey with him. I am sure he is going through things too with it so it is not fair to keep bringing it up.

So do you have friends that have gone MIA after they announce to you that they are pregnant? How did you deal or fix it?

No more health issues

That is right! I think infertility is enough for now. I went for my 6 month checkup at my dermatologist today and boom, she wanted to biopsy a freckle/mole. I say freckle because it was small, really small and I don't even think it was raised. But she spotted it (among all of my other freckles on my leg) and said it looked odd.

ODD!!!!!

Yes, I wanted to scream that and I am sure my voice raised a notch at that moment. See, I went in a few months before my wedding in 2011 for a spot that seemed odd and it came back as Basal Cell Carcinoma. All of my years as swimmer and avid tanning bed lover has come back to bite me in the butt. I have accepted that and in doing so, I have become vigilant in wearing sunscreen and going every 6 months for skin checks.

I had one mole I wanted her to look at and as she did, she said it looked benign (sigh of relief), I had no plans for her to find something else.

Now, it may be nothing, I will know in about a week or two (why is everything a two week wait!). Fingers crossed it is nothing more than Basal Cell if anything. If it was Melanoma, as long as it is caught early it seems as though it is "no big deal". Oy! I guess my "two week wait" monthly tradition just became longer!

A baby named Cooper

So we have all done it during this TTC journey, thought of baby names. If you have gone through IVF, the reality of having a baby has been even closer and probably spurred you to think harder about picking a name. Or you could be like many ladies out there that had their baby's name chosen around the wise age of 12 along with the type of wedding and the age that each would occur (married at 22, kids at 25 because I don't want to be an "old" mom).

Yep, some of that is what I did (minus names and types of weddings, but I did have "age" deadlines for each though). My husband and I have decided on a few key names we would like to use if we are blessed enough to have children. However, in my dream last night a funny thing happened, a new name came into play (or tried to at least).

My dream was very clear that I remembered it immediately as I woke. I was just finding out through an ultrasound that I was indeed pregnant and did it all on my own (no IVF). While high-fiving my husband and my dad, I said "This is like the best coupon ever!"

Coupon?!?!? Yes, a coupon, here is a bit of a backstory on why this is funny.

I love coupons, my dad loves them, we were all brought up on coupons. If we did anything growing up, there better be a coupon to go along with it. Any money saved from the coupon, my dad would pull out of my parent's account and drop it into a savings accoung nicknamed "Coupon account". As much as I teased my dad growing up, this account grew and grew and helped paid for vacations, my sister's wedding and a car for me. Heck, coupons rock right?!?

Back to my dream...

As I exclaimed my comparison of conceiving without intervention to savings with a coupon, I decided that my child should be named Cooper. Get it? Cooper, coupon.

I told my husband this story and he laughed. One, because I am dreaming about being pregnant (which is not uncommon since it is ALWAYS on my mind) and two, because I actually want to name my kid after coupons. Granted, he did say if we got pregnant with a frostie we need to include Van or Ice into the name as an homage to Vanilla Ice.

I'm not the only quirky one in this relationship!

Summer plans

Crazy right? Thinking about the summer already but when going through IVF you tend to think months ahead when planning trips. We already know that we will be doing the next round of IVF sometime in June/July so thinking about work commitments, vacations, concerts, etc. is necessary in order to not be away during key dates.

What is hard about this is I have no idea when we are starting or how long it will take. I don't receive my baseline date until sometime in May but we are Type A, so we plan. And plan and plan some more.

And the kicker in this planning is the secret that we are doing IVF again, especially from a special someone, my stepdaughter.

Let me tell you, this girl is wonderful. She is every bit of a 16 year old teenager but better. She welcomed me with open arms into her family and never looked back. She knows we want to have children and being the only child, she has her reservations about it. She has noticed when I am not drinking and she will ask about it but we have not told her anything about the lengths we have gone to try to have a baby.

She travels from out of state to come see us often and especially in the summer. She was here last year when I was doing shots and I was able to hide it pretty well in a corner in the basement (yes I know, not the most warm spot to be poking myself!). This year, we have to hide it again.

Our plan is to do IVF for the next 12 months (remember, where we go they only do it 4x/year) and after that, we are done. Our military insurance will run out since my husband is retiring and I am sure our emotions will be drained as well.

So fingers crossed for a quick BFP this summer!

HS...what?!?!

Today I headed in for my second HSG as a last ditch effort to see if my tube was still blocked prior to having laparoscopic surgery. Lets start at the beginning real quick. I made sure I was the first one to arrive since they do group HSG's and it is first come first serve. Off I go and I inform the resident of my lovely experience last time. Thank goodness that I did, the radiologist stayed by my side until they were done prepping. After a few cramps I hear the words I never thought I would hear (spillage on the left, spillage on the right)!!!

I almost jumped off that table to do a happy dance though that would have been a bit weird seeing that I still had a catheter in. It was confirmed, both tubes were nice and clear! They did mention there was a lateral object at the end of my uterus but said either a saline sonogram or the hysteroscopy that a doctor back in December seemed to suggest as an option before spending money on IVF this summer, should be done to look at it. I will have to hope that was a fluke seeing that a doctor last summer described my uterus as "beautiful"! Can't beat that.

So that is my good news for the week. So grateful for the results!

Every drunken cheerleader...

Why not me?

I have asked myself a similar question over this past year, minus the "cheerleader" part. Why can't I just be 16 and drunk again, seems to work for so many these days! Well, looks like I am not the only one who thinks so. The statement above is a title of a book that I was recommended to read. It does not try to teach you how  to get pregnant but more on how to deal with not getting pregnant, which I need. It hasn't come yet but when it does, I will definitely let you know what I thought about it.

And it can't come any sooner. In less than 7 days, two of my semi-close friends announced they are pregnant. I am over the moon for both and jealous of each.

Let's start with the first one.

Friend #1 - We are more like acquaintances so we don't really share personal information with each other on an ongoing basis. I knew through another friend she was having difficulty conceiving her second child but when I saw she announced she was having twins, I just had to find out if she used fertility or not. Well, she did and I think it was her first IVF. So, I am jealous that it worked for her on the first time. I am jealous her doctor transferred two instead of one like mine did. I am jealous that I may not be as lucky. I do, though, am overly ecstatic for her knowing that she has spent two years to get to this point and it is wonderful she can complete her family. Actually, she is going to be a great sounding board in the coming months since she is my first and only friend I know who has done IVF.

Friend #2 - We are closer than Friend #1 so when I saw her last week and she seemed to be off the diet bandwagon, I just knew, but I didn't ask. Fast forward to Sunday when we met for brunch and sure enough, she is 9 weeks along. The kicker? She got married in October, decided to try in December and based on an app (an app!!!!) she figured out when she was ovulating that month and bam!! First time, direct shot, homerun, she is pregnant. And when I told her to stay off the baby boards, she responded with "what is a baby board?". So here goes, I am jealous she doesn't know what baby boards are the stress/anxiety/happiness/hope they create. I am jealous she didn't have to pee on more than one stick. I am jealous that she will be welcoming a baby to this world this year.

Jealousy is a bad thing, I have always said it. I use the word loosely in this blog. I am truly happy for both friends. I know them well and I know they will be amazing mothers. My hope this week is that I can join them in their journey sooner than later.

Crazy Weather

Here on the East Coast we have experienced ice and snow this past Monday then turned around and had 65 degrees Tuesday and Wednesday (today). I believe it is going to drop again as the week goes on. Crazy, right?

I love snow, I do. I love to ski, snowball fights, the quietness that it brings when you step outside. But I also love spring. This change in weather makes me feel as if I can't figure out what to wear, what to wish for, should it stay cold or stay warm?

As with everything on this fertility ride, I try to find comparisons and meaning in everything lately. Take the weather for example, it can't seem to make up its mind. Very much like me at the moment.

I was all prepared to move forward with the laproscopic surgery until I decided I needed one more HSG dye test before to make sure my tube was indeed blocked. However, I go through our military healthcare system and they do it only on Wednesdays. And seeing that you can only do it CD 5-12, that only gives me one day a month that it would work. In January I was traveling and in February, if all goes as planned, I am running a conference on that one day I could do it. This will now be pushed out to March.

At the same time my husband had another SA to see if our numbers changed from the summer. They did increase but we are not sure if they increased enough to bring IUI back on the table. IUI is much cheaper than IVF and seeing that IVF failed twice, if IUI is an option, we will be trying that out for a bit. I seriously think it is only about $200. A whole years worth of it would not even equal what we have spent for IVF.

So here I sit, mulling over my options once again, as time ticks by. It really shouldn't be this difficult. But when multiple doctors can't agree on what to do, it puts you in a place that you need to be your own doctor. I want that magic answer and to see the future to know that it all works out.

Taking a break from...

The baby-focused websites. They have been great over the past year, educating me on things I never would have known. However, with no success, no IVF starting anytime soon, I believe I just need to cut the noise out.

I love hearing other people getting their BFP's and watching what others are going through, but for now, I need a break.

I can't get my HSG done until February due to traveling over the one day this month I could go. We aren't going to do IVF in March, so the next time we could do it through our clinic would be June, so why not take a break. My body is like clockwork, I know when I ovulate, so why not just chill out, enjoy the winter and look forward to June.

Another reason is because I am starting to feel down about not being pregnant. I am hoping by removing the constant, daily reminder (thanks to the daily digest I receive) that I am not pregnant, that I will be able to gain some sanity and perspective on the whole thing.

Don't get me wrong, we will still be trying and hoping for a little peanut to stick, but it is time to take a deep breath and see what life has in store for us.

HSG here I come...AGAIN

That is right, the worst procedure I have had in a long time, I am voluntarily doing it again. Why you may ask? Well, laparoscopic surgery doesn't seem scary, just seems unnecessary right now. Why you may ask again?

It was found in my first HSG that I had a blocked left tube and my follow up saline sonogram showed hydrosalpinx in that tube. However, in my first IVF cycle, not once did a physician see this again and during retrieval, they said it spontaneously drained. I went for a second opinion and same thing, could not find it.

I don't fit any of the hydro criteria for why I would have it, so could it have been a misdiagnosis? Sure! So before jumping on the table to have them search through my reproductive system with a scalpel and possibly mess something up for good, I am choosing to repeat the HSG.

Let me tell you about my first HSG experience. The day started off great, blue sky, I got there early to get my name first on the list (military healthcare at its best, first come, first serve) and sat back waiting for the easy test, assuming I would be walking out with one thing scratched of my list on why it can’t be me who has a problem. I was one of the few without my husband there, which funny as it may seem now, made me feel stronger to do it on my own, but also at the same time lonely that what if I needed someone to drive me home.

My name was called and off I go to an x-ray room that they turned the traditional cold, flat metal exam table to a GYN table, except they forgot the comfort factor. I can’t even remember if there were any stirrups on the bed.

They prep me and here comes the worst part, they prep me all the way, that is right, all the way to opening my cervix. One problem, the attending physician was nowhere to be found in the room.  When the other fellow went to get her, she was busy doing paperwork. HELLO!! My cervix is open, can we hurry this up. Of course I did not scream that since I am polite but talk about cramping, my leg muscles wavering due to the weird table I was on (just remembered there were no stirrups, so I was flexing my muscles to keep my legs in position on the edge of the table, lovely).

After at least 10 minutes (no joke) the physician walks in without even a “I am so sorry” statement and got to work. And the pain started. I expected a little bit of cramping but man, I was like a woman in the peak of labor (definitely not my finest moment). And of course, this doctor wanted me to twist and turn on the table in hopes that my left tube would open up. Really? Twist while in pain!

As soon as the catheter was removed, I was back to my cheery, friendly self. Definitely a Jekyll and Hyde moment for me.

You still ask, why am I doing this again? Answer is, before I go ahead to have surgery for something I just am not 100% is there, I want to confirm my left tube is actually blocked. After the first HSG, I was told that many times your uterus can contract, causing the tube opening to close. Well, that is my hope since I was in so much pain before it even began, I am hopeful that this time I will not have to wait as long and my uterus won’t have time to react.

Next step is to wait for AF to arrive before I schedule it (and fingers crossed there are openings).

A little thing I call the flu

We have all heard the news reports, the flu is causing havoc on us all, especially us TTC! If you read one of my previous posts about all of the "signs" we mistake for being pregnant, I would like to add the flu to this list.

Seriously, who would think feeling tired, slightly foggy and maybe a litte warm would be anything but the flu. But when you are a crazed TTC lady like I am, I swear it must be a baby being created. Why wouldn't it be. I was healthy just a few days ago, I have not been around too many sick people and by golly, it's my turn for it to be a baby.

Maybe someone should invent a quick test that would tell me yes it is the early sign of the flu and stop thinking you are pregnant. My husband currently is this test for me. =)

Don't get me wrong, he would be over the moon if it was the opposite but after over 12 months of me saying I think this is it, I am truly the girl who cried wolf, over and over again.

The solution? Go home, put on comfy jammies, curl up to watch a movie and use it as an excuse to sleep in tomorrow!

Short but sweet

Well, we are still in line for this ride. Last month was a bust and we are back to the prime time this month. I had planned to do the laparoscopic surgery in March but now I am reconsidering that thought. So many things can go wrong if they end up removing my tubes that I fear that if it does, I will have no options then to be pregnant. Ahhh, who would have thought these would be decisions we would be faced with just a few years ago. Not me! Next up, resolutions I hope I can keep.