Type A and Infertile

Being Type A has its perks:

• You get to places on time
• Always have a plan in place for work and personal events, making it easier to plan some more!
• House is clean most of the time
• Work hard, play hard motto is true

But take being Type A and being infertile, those two don't always mix. Sure, going through IVF, it was great. I planned my shots, never missed it by more than 10 min and was able to emotionally detach during the process until the very end. I was given a task and I completed the task. I was in control the whole time. Until...my body took over the control and it failed me and my husband.

Failing is never pleasant but even more so when it costs $11k!

Fast forward to today, where money has run out, schedules are too busy so IVF is delayed again, all we have is trying naturally. Which when your husband has 1/20th of the sperm count of an average man, and an average couple takes 12 months to conceive, we are looking at 20 years until "natural" works for us. 20 years!!!

I decided to really commit to TTC for these months, tracking with an OPK (can't do temperature because my thermometer beeps and at 5 am, my husband has no desire to hear it) and ready to jump my husband during those few key days. However, even after noting it on the calendar, reminding him each month, I am always let down.

Last month I got sick during the week, this month he just isn't into it. I am sure my announcing of needing to have sex in the same manner I would say "can you pick up milk on the way home" is not helping him get "in the mood" but this is where my Type A has taken over. I have a goal and need to complete a task to reach it. I have tried to be relaxed, just let it happen route and 15 months and $11k later, I am through with that way.

I figured we would be doing IVF in the summer but since they only do it 4x year, I am controlled by their schedule and unfortunately their schedule doesn't match mine. They start at the end of June and schedule people through July. I have a work trip early July and early August and in between my stepdaughter will be in town and we hope to do some college tours. So boom, I don't even have 2 weeks of uninterrupted time at home to get this done, one of the most important things I want and I can't find time to do it. So, this moves us to October! OCTOBER!!!

So what does a Type A person like myself do in this instance? I blocked off the months September, October and November so we don't plan any trips and travel so we can have a chance again at having a child.

At least I have a plan!

Guilty Pregnant Friend

We all have close friends and family that have become pregnant during our TTC journey. And we hear a lot on how those who are struggling to conceive have a hard time sharing their joy or even going to baby showers. I completely understand but I don't read much about the pregnant friends pulling away due to guilt.

About a month ago I found out two friends were pregnant. One of these two friends is a pretty close friend even if we don't see eachother every day. The day she told me she was about 9 weeks along and we hung out all day. Since then, I haven't seen her. We have exchanged a few texts but that is about it. I wonder if she is feeling guilty about being pregnant and afraid to see me.

I know, it is not always about me but I just wonder if those who have not gone through infertility are afraid to confront it. We are all there to help our girlfriends through breakups, bad news from work or family but infertility, seems to be a hush hush topic. I find when I come upon someone who has gone through it or is going through it I feel instantly connected to them, wanting to talk about it and even joke about it. It feels so good to get it out in the open to someone else instead of my husband. My husband is great, he grounds me during this time, but I don't always want to constantly dwell on this stage of our TTC journey with him. I am sure he is going through things too with it so it is not fair to keep bringing it up.

So do you have friends that have gone MIA after they announce to you that they are pregnant? How did you deal or fix it?

No more health issues

That is right! I think infertility is enough for now. I went for my 6 month checkup at my dermatologist today and boom, she wanted to biopsy a freckle/mole. I say freckle because it was small, really small and I don't even think it was raised. But she spotted it (among all of my other freckles on my leg) and said it looked odd.

ODD!!!!!

Yes, I wanted to scream that and I am sure my voice raised a notch at that moment. See, I went in a few months before my wedding in 2011 for a spot that seemed odd and it came back as Basal Cell Carcinoma. All of my years as swimmer and avid tanning bed lover has come back to bite me in the butt. I have accepted that and in doing so, I have become vigilant in wearing sunscreen and going every 6 months for skin checks.

I had one mole I wanted her to look at and as she did, she said it looked benign (sigh of relief), I had no plans for her to find something else.

Now, it may be nothing, I will know in about a week or two (why is everything a two week wait!). Fingers crossed it is nothing more than Basal Cell if anything. If it was Melanoma, as long as it is caught early it seems as though it is "no big deal". Oy! I guess my "two week wait" monthly tradition just became longer!

A baby named Cooper

So we have all done it during this TTC journey, thought of baby names. If you have gone through IVF, the reality of having a baby has been even closer and probably spurred you to think harder about picking a name. Or you could be like many ladies out there that had their baby's name chosen around the wise age of 12 along with the type of wedding and the age that each would occur (married at 22, kids at 25 because I don't want to be an "old" mom).

Yep, some of that is what I did (minus names and types of weddings, but I did have "age" deadlines for each though). My husband and I have decided on a few key names we would like to use if we are blessed enough to have children. However, in my dream last night a funny thing happened, a new name came into play (or tried to at least).

My dream was very clear that I remembered it immediately as I woke. I was just finding out through an ultrasound that I was indeed pregnant and did it all on my own (no IVF). While high-fiving my husband and my dad, I said "This is like the best coupon ever!"

Coupon?!?!? Yes, a coupon, here is a bit of a backstory on why this is funny.

I love coupons, my dad loves them, we were all brought up on coupons. If we did anything growing up, there better be a coupon to go along with it. Any money saved from the coupon, my dad would pull out of my parent's account and drop it into a savings accoung nicknamed "Coupon account". As much as I teased my dad growing up, this account grew and grew and helped paid for vacations, my sister's wedding and a car for me. Heck, coupons rock right?!?

Back to my dream...

As I exclaimed my comparison of conceiving without intervention to savings with a coupon, I decided that my child should be named Cooper. Get it? Cooper, coupon.

I told my husband this story and he laughed. One, because I am dreaming about being pregnant (which is not uncommon since it is ALWAYS on my mind) and two, because I actually want to name my kid after coupons. Granted, he did say if we got pregnant with a frostie we need to include Van or Ice into the name as an homage to Vanilla Ice.

I'm not the only quirky one in this relationship!

Summer plans

Crazy right? Thinking about the summer already but when going through IVF you tend to think months ahead when planning trips. We already know that we will be doing the next round of IVF sometime in June/July so thinking about work commitments, vacations, concerts, etc. is necessary in order to not be away during key dates.

What is hard about this is I have no idea when we are starting or how long it will take. I don't receive my baseline date until sometime in May but we are Type A, so we plan. And plan and plan some more.

And the kicker in this planning is the secret that we are doing IVF again, especially from a special someone, my stepdaughter.

Let me tell you, this girl is wonderful. She is every bit of a 16 year old teenager but better. She welcomed me with open arms into her family and never looked back. She knows we want to have children and being the only child, she has her reservations about it. She has noticed when I am not drinking and she will ask about it but we have not told her anything about the lengths we have gone to try to have a baby.

She travels from out of state to come see us often and especially in the summer. She was here last year when I was doing shots and I was able to hide it pretty well in a corner in the basement (yes I know, not the most warm spot to be poking myself!). This year, we have to hide it again.

Our plan is to do IVF for the next 12 months (remember, where we go they only do it 4x/year) and after that, we are done. Our military insurance will run out since my husband is retiring and I am sure our emotions will be drained as well.

So fingers crossed for a quick BFP this summer!